you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize