Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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