My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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