Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
