I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
