85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
