I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
