If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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