If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
