he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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