My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
