He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
