dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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