omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
