I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
