i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
