Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
