my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
