xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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