weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
