Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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