just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
