i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You have to summon your inner elephant
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
