Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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