i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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