I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
