$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
that's an acceptable place to lick
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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