We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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