I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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