I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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