A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
