You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Fuck appropriateness.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
