So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
