I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
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Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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