I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
