WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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