Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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