I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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