2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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