The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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