I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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