I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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