tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
