If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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