There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
MIDGETS
????
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
