I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
