my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
