On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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