My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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