I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother