U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
