I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
